Letting go of mother’s guilt
Mothers experience an enormous amount of guilt
Mother’s guilt starts in pregnancy (can sometimes beforehand too), and kicks in as soon as the baby is born. In this blog I take a took a look at why guilt exists, and where it comes from.
Research tells us that mother guilt can come from our own personal insecurities, especially if we have experiences from our childhood or early adulthood that made us feel that we weren’t worthy, that we weren’t good enough. This can occur if you had a parent who was very critical, where no matter what you did, your efforts weren’t enough.
Mother guilt can come from outside pressures like family, friends, social media, and other sources. The mums I have worked with over the years felt that social media played a huge part, especially with the ‘Instagram mummies’ that do not portray a realistic image of real motherhood. It causes mums to compare their situation to others, and it’s a really high expectation to live up to.
Society’s pressure to be the ‘perfect mother’ contributes greatly to mother guilt. It’s really easy to feel that you aren’t good enough if you fall short from where you believe you ought to be.
Other times, formal recommendations, such as those from doctors and other health professionals, and organisations, can create feelings of inadequacy. A comment made that is not perceived as kind can leave a mum reeling in self doubt and self criticism.
Not feeling like a good enough mum has always been a common theme in my work with mothers.
Here’s a summary of some of the things mums have shared that they feel guilty about - see if you identify with any of them:
My baby is not crawling yet - did I do enough? I must be doing something wrong!
After a hard day I don’t feel like cooking dinner for my child
I’m guilty because I want to have another baby to do the newborn phase again (better)
I don’t speak my native language to my child, but only English
Drinking alcohol in the first few weeks of pregnancy before it was known and confirmed
Not being able to breastfeed exclusively (mixed feeding with formula)
Not enough tummy time
Not being able to breastfeed without a shield
Leaving baby to be cared for by someone else so I could go out on my own
When I had problems with breastfeeding, my baby was hungry and I didn’t know
My baby was born little
Not enough sleep for baby
When I get frustrated with the baby for not sleeping
Not having the house presentable
For baby making noise at night and waking my partner
For not having a vaginal birth
For leaving baby to do something for me (like a pedicure)
For using formula
For not having time for my toddler
For leaving baby on the floor to do things
For causing pain when baby had immunisations
Moving house when baby was a few weeks old; focusing on that rather than baby
For using nipple shields and not enjoying breastfeeds
For being in hospital when baby was 2 weeks old - lost time with baby - had to stop breastfeeding and didn’t bond with baby
For being injured after birth and not able to care for baby (other than breastfeeds)
For struggling with breastfeeds and for missing baby cues for feeds and sleep
When baby cries and I can’t settle the baby
For having postnatal depression
For not playing enough with baby when I get stuck in the feed, change nappies cycle
Does any of this sound familiar?
Does any of this pull at your heart strings with compassion for the mothers who made these statements?
Reading them back, it does for me. It makes me want to pull those mums into a warm hug to provide comfort and to tell them that they are just such AMAZING mamas, despite all of this!
Why do we feel we are not good enough?
One of the things I love about research is that it can provide enormous comfort and relief to us as mothers. It tells us that not only do we not need to be perfect, we only have to be ‘good enough’ to still have well balanced, happy and secure children. And the best bit yet, we only have to be good enough 30% of the time!
Imagine how much you can mess up with those stats? How many mistakes can you make for your child to still turn out not only completely fine, but secure? It’s so incredible.
See how high we’ve set that bar? You now have permission to lower it. Lower it further. Cut yourself some slack.
It’s really important for your children to see you make mistakes. It teaches them that we are all humans, and gives them permission to make their own mistakes as well. It’s a really important life lesson, to know that they can make mistakes and you will be there, supporting them with unconditional love.
How to let go of mother guilt
It is a process. It will take time. Months. Years maybe.
We start by understanding that our minds have a critical voice and a compassionate voice.
Our critical voice can speak loudly and frequently, and the goal is to get it to be quieter. The goal is to tap into our compassionate voice so it speaks loudly and frequently.
How many of you are super critical of yourself (which leads to guilt), but if a friend was in the exact situation you would be supportive and kind to her?
When you hear your critical voice speaking, acknowledge it; “I hear you, I hear what you are saying”.
Then respond with a compassionate voice; “Thanks for sharing, but I’m just having a really hard day” or “I’m doing the best I can right now”
If you struggle to think of something to say, ask yourself what you would say to a friend. Those words are likely to come readily.
Keep practicing this. Stop and listen to the critical voice. Acknowledge it. Respond with a compassionate message.
If you do this over time, you will notice that the critical voice is quieter and maybe doesn’t speak as frequently.
If you tend to be super critical of yourself, the process may take longer to bed down. You might even benefit from some counselling to assist you in this process.
Many times as mums we feel guilty about things we can’t control - the way we birthed, whether breastfeeding was easy or difficult and whether we could continue, lost time with baby when we are focused on something else very important (like our own health, baby’s health appointments or moving house) - and these things often result in feelings of grief and loss that need to be worked through.
If this is how you are feeling, please let me know. One or two counselling sessions may be all that’s needed to get you back on track.
Sending all the mamas a huge compassionate hug because I truly believe you are all doing such a wonderful job in your mothering. Focus on all the great stuff you are doing - because it’s easy to ignore those things and only focus on the bad. Write it down - you might be surprised at how amazing you actually are!