Relationship changes after baby

Having a baby can place enormous stress on your relationship

In all the years I’ve been working with mothers of babies and toddlers one thing is for sure. Most women experience significant changes in their relationship with their partner after having a baby. For some it lasts months, for others years. For many it can come as a complete surprise.

Did you find that you started bickering and arguing after having a baby where this didn’t exist before?

It’s completely normal.

Changes in relationships are incredibly common, and it is often something we don’t consider enough before we have our first baby.

It makes so much sense because having a baby (especially the first one) places significant stress on a couple, as you weed your way through birth recovery, breastfeeding challenges, sleep deprivation, and the unknowns of baby care.

There is limited preparation available for us prior to having our first baby about the impact on our relationship. For many couples, it comes as a shock, and sometimes the haze of sleep deprivation means that many months go by before you actually realise that things are pretty awful in your relationship, that you haven’t connected on an emotional or physical level in like forever, and who actually is the person sleeping in your bed (or down the hall in the spare room)?

Conflict arises easily in relationships when one or both parties are exhausted. It’s hard to think straight and communicate in a respectful, effective way when you feel stress AND are bone tired.

Sometimes, mums find it tricky to speak directly about what they need and want, sometimes we see mums avoid conversations in order to avoid conflict, but all of this can result in blowing up, as the issues have been building and building.

Research tells us…

A few years ago I went to a fabulous seminar by Elly Taylor, who is a parenthood expert (not parenting expert!). She said that research tells us that 92% of parents report increased conflict in the first year after having a baby and 67% report a decline in their relationship satisfaction in the first 3 years. That’s huge!

What mums have said…

Let’s take a look at what mums have told me over the years about how their relationship with their partner has changed:

• not sleeping in the same bed as their partner (due to sleeping with baby/toddler) which reduces couple time, intimacy, sexual relationships - leaving mums feeling that their partner is more like a housemate or co-parent, rather than a romantic partner

• mums having a lack of interest in sex due to tiredness or feeling touched out by their child all day. Mums also feeling anxious about sex with partner due to the changes in their body after having a baby

• lack of couple time in general - mums feeling like they don’t see their partner, don’t spend time together like they did before children - feeling like there is a lack of communication

• increased arguments due to hormones and tiredness

• imbalance in parenting duties - mums feel like they do almost all of the child care and housework and take the predominant mental load

• partners not living up to the parenting expectations of the mums where partners don’t do things the same way as the mum, or the way she likes it done

• partners believing that staying home with the child is the easy job, and not understanding or appreciating the difficulties of parenting 24/7

• feelings of jealousy when partner sleeps longer or is less tired

• feelings of guilt for the way mums feel about their partners not doing a good enough job, and feelings of being mean to partners

• concerns about children witnessing arguments of the parents

• conflict between the couple about the in-laws and their involvement with the children

Phew. This is a LOT! Does any of this ring true for you?

Suggestions

A mum recently shared "I was constantly getting them ready for school on my own each and every day, then working, then doing the housework, while he was out running the family business. I wanted to be able to count on him to walk in my shoes for an hour on a Saturday morning so I wouldn’t have to pick up the pieces, but it never worked out that way. It was something I didn’t think I should have to ask for, yet something I felt my partner should know to do." Does this sound familiar to you?

Often, it's not the lack of vacuuming by our partners, or leaving the mess in the kitchen, but what we are fighting for is acknowledgment, respect, validation, and love.

Many mothers feel disrespected, unseen, like the partner doesn't care, and like the partner is their child versus their husband/wife. This can lead to mothers feeling turned off by their partner, which greatly affects your sex life.

We don’t want to parent our partners. We want to feel like equals.

Communication is the key.

Sometimes we feel resentful at having to ask our partners to help out with the kids or around the house. We want them to just take initiative and do things. We don't want to feel like a nag, or we worry about asking for help because it suggests that we aren't coping and aren't able to do it all. But we shouldn't have to!

For the health of your relationship with your partner, it's really important to express your feelings. To prevent blaming your partner, and it resulting in an argument, consider this difference:

🚫 "You never help with cleaning up the kitchen and I'm sick of having to do everything myself!"

✅ "I feel really worn out and frustrated at the end of the day when I walk into the messy kitchen and I'd really love some help"

Partners care about us and love us. If your partner is a man, he is likely to want to fix things (men love fixing!). If your partner understands your feelings, they are likely to say something like:

"What can I do?"

Be direct. Tell them EXACTLY what you are wanting. "I'd love it if you could wash the dishes every night after I have cooked dinner". There's no mincing words, there's no confusing expectations.

It takes away the nagging. It takes away resentment.

Have you ever tried something like this?

Further support…

Feel free to check out more from Elly Taylor here: https://becomingusfamily.com/

If you would like extra support in dealing with the changes in your relationship with your partner, please reach out to me. I often work with women in counselling sessions to help address concerns they have about their relationship with their partner after having a baby. You can contact me here.