When your identity changes after having a baby
You might have heard the term matrescence lately, as it’s becoming a more commonly used word, especially in the support of new mothers.
It is a term coined by the anthropologist Dana Raphael and it is defined as the process of becoming a mother. It's a word used to describe the physical, psychological, and emotional changes women go through during the monumental transformation that is motherhood. Many liken it to adolescence, where a child goes through a huge hormonal and developmental shift to become an adult.
Many of you are still in this phase of your life, as you adjust with the newness of motherhood, which can feel quite overwhelming and challenging.
When we first have our baby, it can take up to the first 12 weeks postpartum for us to ‘survive’, with many learnings along the way about how best to care for your baby. Once we start coming out the other side of the first number of weeks, it is really common for mothers to feel lost and unsure of who you are anymore. The mundaneness of caring for a baby can be all consuming and you wonder where the old you has gone.
Who are you? When a mother’s identity changes
There is so much going on in your body with the raging hormones from birth and breastfeeding as well as the physical healing from birth. We realise that having children has shifted our priorities as our focus can often become solely on the baby. In many cases, we look at life, ourselves and others differently.
Becoming a mother is life changing!
But once things settle down a little, do you ever wonder where YOU went? Are you still there?
It can feel shocking to realise that the you that existed BC (before children) is gone. Or is she?
She’s there. I assure you. But who is she now?
In my work with mothers on their identity, we understand that the fundamental things that make you ‘you’, are still there. There might be minor shifts, but for the most part it’s the same.
If you haven’t already done this piece of work, write a list of the following:
Your personality traits
Your values
Your beliefs
Your talents and skills
Reflect on these and ponder whether they are the same, or if there’s been some slight shift. For many of us, they will be very similar. They are still there. You are still ‘you’!
The big things that are likely to change, or go on hold include:
Your (paid) job or career
Your hobbies or interests
The use of your talents and skills
When I have asked mums to share what parts of their identity they felt they had lost or left behind since becoming a mum, the list was long, but often common themes emerged. Mums shared the following as forming their identity prior to having a baby:
Being independent and free - and now feeling tied down or unable to do anything on their own
Being spontaneous - and now needing to plan around the baby
Being task orientated - and now not achieving much of what is planned
Being competent in their job - and now not feeling competent in caring for baby, that sense of not knowing what you are doing
Being in control - and now feeling a loss of control with the unpredictability that comes with babies
Being a fixer - and now not knowing what to do to ‘fix’ the situation with baby (eg getting baby to sleep, breastfeeding problems etc)
Being routine focused - and now there’s no sense of a routine
Being a planner - and now not being able to follow through on plans
A number of mums have mentioned missing their work, that work was their purpose in life (and how that has changed), of not knowing who she is anymore without her work, and being very unsure of what type of work to return to when the time comes.
Mums have also told me about their physical self - that they used to be very fit and active prior to having a baby - some mums referred to themselves as athletes in various sports, including volleyball, netball and running marathons. Mums now don’t have the time to commit to their sport and many mums feel they are not yet physically able to return to their sport of choice, or even the gym. Some mums shared that this also impacts on the way they view their appearance (when their bodies haven’t returned to the same shape or size compared to pre-baby) and others miss the social aspects of their sport.
Many mums also discussed the way having a baby has changed their ability to socialise, and those who identify as extraverts particularly struggle with the limited social contact with other people.
Having a baby can feel like our worlds are turned upside down. We physically feel differently and it has a huge emotional and psychological impact on us as well. For some mums, they have achieved their ultimate goal: to be a mother, when their whole life was spent working towards this outcome. For others, the struggle is harder.
Sometimes mums can experience unexpected emotions too - like feeling resentful of their partner whose life and identity may not have changed too significantly. Partners often go to work, have independence, time to themself, can complete tasks, feel in control, and follow through on plans. Some partners are able to continue with hobbies and interests and many mums feel left behind. These feelings are very normal.
In my work with mums regarding identity, I often see that it is a work in progress for a few years after having babies. It can take time to rediscover yourself, find new interests, and refocus as your priorities shift. At the end of the day, keep focusing on those fundamental parts of you that still exist. We often forget about them which leaves us feeling incredibly lost, but they are still there.
Working through who you are again can be a really rewarding process, so if you feel that you are struggling with this, please let me know and we can chat about whether it might be helpful to work one on one with me to find the ‘you’ again. You deserve that!