Talking about death
It can be hard talking about death.
We have moved through hundreds of years of traditions and rituals around death in our cultures, yet one of the things we haven’t gotten good at in our society is talking about it.
We soften it by using words such as ‘passed away’, ‘gone to heaven’, ‘gone to sleep’, ‘gone to a better place’.
It can feel harsh to use words like ‘my person died’, ‘my person is dead’.
But in life, comes death. One of the best things we can do is talk about it, because it is part of life, and it will affect all of us at some point, and to some degree.
Over the past number of years I have been met with the sudden death of numerous family members. Teenagers, new mothers, and aging. It doesn’t seem to matter the age, it is all hard.
What I know from lived experience is that we all grieve differently, it’s not a perfect package where it all happens in sync with one another. With grief comes the rollercoaster of emotions and when multiple people are doing it at different times, it’s often a chaotic collision of emotions. Having the knowledge I do about grief and loss means I’m the leader in my family. I’m the one who holds them. Which means it’s very important for me to have strategies to take care of my own mental health in the process. I am a very big advocator for taking care of mental health, so whilst I take care of my family, I’ve instigated the following for myself, and these things are easy for you to implement too if you are grieving:
daily exercise at my gym - the endorphins produced in my body keep my mental health stable - and the added benefit of the physical exercise keeps my body healthy
time outdoors - whether it’s watching the sunrise or sunset, going for a walk, spending time at the beach, gardening in my backyard - nature is really good for the soul
time with family - even though we’ve all been grieving together and apart, we also need time together - so dinners, movies, shopping, etc and just hanging out has been very important
counselling - as a mental health practitioner, I believe I cannot take care of others in a counselling setting if I am not taking care of me - so this is always a very important part of my journey in life
nutrition - feeding the body is an important part of a healing process - whether you are healing physically from illness, injury or surgery, or whether you are healing your heart - eating nutritious meals is important
Helping children with death
There’s one thing we know about children - their imaginations reach far and wide. What we know about children and death is that childrens’ imaginations are far more scary than the truth. Here’s my top tips for helping children with death of a loved one:
explain to the child in age appropriate terms about the body - the body needs to work properly to stay alive. The person’s body no longer worked properly which meant they died.
use correct terminology such as ‘death’ and ‘died’. Using comforting words such as ‘went to sleep’, ‘went to heaven’, ‘passed away’ doesn’t make sense to young children when they think literally. They might not understand where heaven is, they don’t understand what ‘passed away’ means, and they often can become fearful of their other family members (or even themself) going to sleep in case they don’t wake up!
if the person is a very close family member, it may be appropriate for your child to see the person’s body. This helps children process that the person is no longer alive.
involving children in the funeral is important - parents often believe it will protect their children if they don’t attend - but again, it helps make sense of it to be present. Is there a special role they can play? For two of our close family members, my children had a candle lighting ceremony at the funerals, where they could light a candle placed next to a photo of their family member. They then could keep the candle afterwards to light and remember their family member.
children can draw pictures or write letters to place in the coffin - they may also have other trinkets they might place in there - my son placed his Go-Card in his grandmother’s coffin as they used to take the bus to the city together.
explaining in truthful, literal terms about what happens to the loved one’s body after burial or cremation is important for children so they understand where the body is.
buying or making a memorial box where your child can place trinkets and things to remember their loved one.
Death of a baby
When a friend, family member, or co-worker loses their child to miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death, one of the most powerful things you can do as a support person is to acknowledge their baby’s existence and the fact they had a baby.
Many people falsely believe that if they mention the baby to the grieving parents it will make them feel upset. However, I know from my work with bereaved parents that NOT talking about the baby makes it worse. Bereaved parents think about their baby regardless of how you approach it, however it can feel very isolating and lonely if no one talks about their baby. Their baby was real. Parents feel supported when we acknowledge the baby existed.
If you feel it’s appropriate, ask questions about the baby.
Why did they choose the name they did? What did the baby weigh? What colour was baby's hair? Did baby look like mum or dad?
Don’t ignore what has happened, and always remember talk about the baby as a person, using their name. It means a lot to parents to hear their baby's name said, or written.
If you need support for your children in managing death of a loved one, I can support you. Likewise, if you are struggling with grief after the loss of a baby, I’m here for you too. You can contact me here.