Dealing with criticism and judgement

Mothers face an enormous load of criticism and judgement

In the Mama Village mothers groups we talk about dealing with criticism and judgement which can start even before we conceive a baby, during pregnancy and following birth. As a mum of teenagers, I’ve either experienced or witnessed criticism and judgement at all levels. I find it incredibly frustrating, particularly when mums are often very self critical and can feel like a failure anyway, and the negativity towards them just exacerbates their feelings. We need more kindness and support!

Like many things in motherhood, there are often commonalities for mums. The good part is it means mums don’t have to feel alone. Mums are not necessarily judged and criticised in isolation. It is just so common.

Here’s what mums have told me:

Conception

• feeling judged about choosing when to try to conceive a baby (aka the all common question ‘WHEN are you going to have a baby?’ without any regard for the fact that some women require fertility treatment and suffer numerous losses).

• being questioned when mum will have a second baby, not knowing that mum was experiencing secondary infertility.

Pregnancy

• feeling judged at work during the time a mum was trying to get pregnant and not given work opportunities because of the pregnancy

• feeling judged for what you eat

• feeling judged for how much you exercise

• feeling judged for how big or small your baby bump is

• feeling judged for how much weight you have gained

Birth

• feeling judged for having an elective ceasarean, like you didn’t try harder or took the ‘easy option’

• feeling judged for using other medical interventions during labour and birth (eg choosing to have an epidural, rather than ‘tough it out’)

Breastfeeding

• feeling judged for not being able to breastfeed and using formula

• feeling judged for breastfeeding a toddler

Parenting

• experiencing blatant disrespect for mum’s wishes about how she wants her baby dressed or another parenting style decision

• comparison of your baby with another which is interpreted as judgement

• judgement about your weight and how quickly or slowly you are returning to your pre-baby weight

• worries about judgement when baby cries in public

• criticism for feeding baby solid food at too young an age

• judgement for not using day care or judgement for using day care too soon

• judgement for returning to work or choosing to be a stay at home mum

Social media

I don’t need to say much here. You’ve all seen it. Comments on social media posts can be absolutely brutal, especially in Facebook mothers groups. If it upsets you to read them, I suggest either scrolling past, or unfollowing a group or page. We have enough self criticism and real life criticism and judgement in our lives, we don’t need to subject our mental health to the levels of unkindness that exist in those forums.

Who judges and criticises us?

EVERYONE!

Mums shared that they face it everywhere - it can be their partner, their mother, their mother-in-law, their other family members, friends, work colleagues, strangers.

It seems to cut deeper when it is someone close we love or someone in a position of authority or expertise (like a doctor or child health nurse). Some mums have developed a ‘thick skin’, an understanding that a family member is ‘just the way she is’, but it doesn’t mean that we are always okay with hearing criticism and judgement. It doesn’t mean it never hurts. It doesn’t mean that we can’t feel sad, disappointment or angry that it is the way it is. It doesn’t mean that we can’t wish that it was better.

What can you do?

1. Surround yourself with like-minded parents which will limit the criticism and judgement.

2. Know that you are the expert on your children and you know them best. Believe that you are making the best parenting decisions you can possibility make under the circumstances.

3. Have a support network that you can debrief afterwards with. A good vent and a ‘you won’t believe what someone just said to me!’ can be so helpful.

4. Remove yourself from social media if you find it hurtful and stressful.

5. Find trusted sources of credible information to follow and guide you so that you can refer back to them if needed, and to reflect upon so it is easier to ignore other ‘advice’.

Sometimes criticism and judgement wears away at your self worth and self-esteem. If you are feeling like a failure and you hear comments, it can be very taxing on your confidence as a mum. Please reach out to me if you would like support in this area. You don’t ever have to be alone.